Why I launched Men’s Mental Fitness

(approx six minute read)

My name is Simon and I’m the editor of Men’s Mental Fitness. Below I share my mental health story and why I launched the website.

My story

Someone once said to me that struggling with your mental health is a double-edged sword. 

‘Go on I thought,’ this will be interesting. 

“It can feel like the hardest thing in the world to go through.” Yup, agree there. 

“But it can also be the greatest privilege because it gives you the ability to be empathic to someone else’s experiences.”

I didn’t think I’d like this double-edged sword explanation, but I did/do. It’s a bloody lovely way of thinking about it, don’t you think?

Anyway. The heart of my story: at times, crippling, anxiety 

What started with a seemingly innocuous fainting episode led to a 10-year period of on-off crippling anxiety.

So crippling that it led to periods where I couldn’t leave the house. 

So crippling that I was convinced there was something so physically wrong with me that I was going to die in my sleep. 

But when it started I didn’t even know what anxiety was. 

My health anxiety 

Firstly, it started with ‘hangxiety’. 

If I’d had one too many drinks, the next morning I woke convinced I was going to pass out.

If I’d been drinking at the weekend I could ‘manage’ that by simply refusing to go outside.

I’d spend all day in bed or on the sofa and would only consider going outside late in the evening when I thought I wouldn’t pass out.

Quite quickly the fear of passing out started to creep into everyday life, whether I’d had a drink or not. 

I’d go to work but train journeys saw me jump on and off a train if I felt the carriage was getting too full. This happened a lot.

While at work I’d hide in the toilet for prolonged periods of time, breathing deeply, trying to convince myself I wasn’t going to pass out. 

I’d turn down going to festivals or sports events because of the crowds. 

I’d stopped playing sports because I’d worry if my heart rate got too high I’d faint. I’d usually exercise five days a week so to stop altogether had a massive impact on me, mentally and physically.

Then the anxiety spread to me being convinced there was something physically wrong with me. 

(Read our story on health anxiety)

But not just fleeting feelings, it was relentless worry unless I was truly distracted or engrossed by something. Or asleep. 

On more than one occasion I went to the doctor because I was convinced I’d found something physically wrong with me. 

I thought I had a lump on my neck and convinced myself it was cancer and I was dying.

Then I thought there was something wrong with my heart. My parents ended up paying to see a heart specialist so the doctor could tell me there was nothing wrong.

In the days leading up to that appointment the only thing I could think of was that I could drop dead at any moment. 

Once I knew there was nothing wrong, the fears of death went away. The worries went away. I could live in the present again. For a few weeks, anyway.

Then the worry came back. Not for any reason I could make sense of.

Nighttime was horrible. Just me and my thoughts. I’d lay awake for hours wondering if I was going to wake up in the morning, convinced I’d die in my sleep.

Some three years into the whole thing, having never told anyone what was going on, it all got too much. 

I was out for lunch with my parents and brother, full of anxiety - for no real reason. I broke down, sobbed, cried my eyes out at the dinner table.

It was at this point I opened up and shared how I was feeling. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. 

Covid and anxiety

It was Covid that saw anxiety return in a pretty powerful way.

Naturally it was a stressful time. 

I lived on my own for a good chunk of it, in a small flat, no garden. Too much time on my own, not seeing friends, not playing sport.

It was probably the time, not being busy, that meant my mind seemed to want to worry. About anything. Work. Whether I could cope with life in general. Was I weak? Did I lack resilience? Was I fucked up? Was I a good partner? Or just an emotional burden?

At times I felt like I was running into a gale force wind of negative thoughts. For what seemed like months, years. 

The thoughts felt almost intrusive. As soon as I got up in the morning. If I woke up for the toilet at night, as soon as I finished work, or finished exercising. Basically when I wasn’t distracted. 

There were the physical symptoms, too. Really foggy brain, headaches, a tight chest, like someone was permanently standing on it. 

This cycle came and went over a couple of years. I’d feel okay for a bit, then I didn’t. Back came the internal bullying. Frankly, a pretty nasty internal monologue.

It clearly impacted my mood quite significantly at times. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with depression but I imagine there were periods where I was experiencing it.

For a long time I did my best to cover up how it was feeling.

But I did eventually tell my wife and family, which was really bloody uncomfortable.

Although, when I shared how I felt it always helped (if I shared with the right person).

I also opened up to a few male friends who were incredibly supportive through the whole thing. 

In that time I had a shit load of therapy (a few different kinds, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Analytical Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), I did a mindfulness course, joined virtual group sessions with Anxiety UK, did yoga and read a shit load of self-help books. 

Nothing fixes. But it all massively helped overtime. And generally, although certainly not always, I manage my mind pretty well. 

Why I started Men’s Mental Fitness 

That’s one of the reasons why I started Men’s Mental Fitness (MMF). Because I learned a load of interesting, thought-provoking, useful things that have really helped. And I wanted to share those in case they help men.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, there’s lots of well documented scary stats about men’s mental health, depression, anxiety, suicide. Just all shit, sad stuff.

There’s lots of amazing charities doing amazing things to help here. Keep doing that.

While at the other end of the spectrum you’ve got Men’s Health which, although it’s doing a lot more on mental health, is more associated with getting that impossible six pack.

Enter Men’s Mental Fitness, which (hopefully) sits somewhere between the two. 

In a slightly different metaphorical frame. 

Something masculine (I hope) that is about high-performance, about self-improvement, about learning new things, about being a leader. With stuff that might help someone proactively manage their brain, like you might manage your body. 

Yet with room for softness, room for shared sorrow, room for real-life stories.

The adages go that men aren’t good at opening up, aren’t good at seeking help. And they aren’t interested in this stuff. But I am. So there must be others too. There’s four billion men on the planet, and 30+ million in the UK for goodness sake.

I wonder, and this is just my hunch, if one of the reasons is because there’s never been stuff framed quite right for men.. 

Only time will tell, I guess.